As the World Cup starts to develop, so does the extent to which I am getting rustled. In an attempt to ease my worried mind I have compiled a definitive list of the most malevolent figures in our beloved game.
Number 5. Lockie Ferguson’s Shoes
At five we have the school shoe clompers that Lockie Ferguson has been rocking for some time now. If I had my way these would be much higher up the list, but unfortunately it has to be considered that this is not a novel threat to our senses. A known quantity, Lockie’s shoes hurt me every time I see them.
Number 4. Castore
If you’re going to drop a kit that can be generously described as aggressively mid, at least give the players kit with the same size of font. How can a team be expected to ‘attack’ the World Cup if they cannot do it in style? New Balance would never have done this to us.
Number 3. Chris Woakes and Sam Curran
There goes an infamous tweet that reads ‘how can two twins be so hideous’, and a similar thought stirs in my mind when England’s all-rounders come to the party. So far they have been nefarious, but my personal liking of them means they cannot go any higher. Sam needs to fix up or British GQ will have to substitute him for Tom in the edit.
Number 2. Attendance Claims
During this World Cup we are seeing a perilous campaign of disinformation, one trying to convince us that crowds resembling a tame Northamptonshire Steelbacks home game are actually brushing 40,000. At the end of the day, this is the result of a firmly unserious administration. If you want packed crowds, go and watch the Oval Invincibles on a Thursday night.
Number 1. Sachin’s Commentary
Much like Sachin’s commentary, it has taken a mountain of excess words to finally reach a conclusion. The ultimate villain so far is the four hour yap session that ensues when someone asks Sachin Tendulkar if Rohit Sharma did well to leave a ball, the very yap session which will leave us wondering just how important his breakfast in 1999 was. For fear of turning this entry into the very thing I am raging against, I bring this entry to a close. Congratulations Sachin, it will take something special to ‘attack’ your title.
