Some previews will offer you statistics, some will offer you grand predictions, this one will do neither. If you’re going into the World Cup a little out of the loop, this should serve as a quick catch up as to what specific brands of nonsense you can expect.
A Cheeky Spot of Preamble
As with every official preview, proceedings must commence with a bit of spiel about everything that has led to this World Cup. At this point I offer some things to say to make it sound like you’re incredibly well-informed on the whole thing. If you’ve not been paying attention, you only need to keep repeating two things.
The first is that ODIs are so last season. In the run-up to 2019 this was the format of cricket that people were going crazy for. The schedule of most countries was packed with it. Since 2019 it has fallen off.
A lot of teams are going in with much less recent experience, and there is more than a murmur about even less of it being played going forward. If your team starts off with a loss just tut and blame it on the marginalisation of the format. Easy.
The other is that the organisation has been chaotic. The fixtures got changed what felt like a million times (maybe it was 3 times), ticket sales were a mess, and all of this transpired in the last month and a half.
At some point there will probably be some semi-major talking point about crowds or travel. If it feels like you have no idea about any details relating to this World Cup don’t worry, neither do the BCCI.
Our Lovely Venues
What would a World Cup be without its gorgeous stadiums. Given the unpredictable nature of conditions and a lack of self-esteem I will avoid trying to tell you if a pitch will turn or be flat. Instead accept my offerings of some musings related to each of them that might be half-interesting or at the very least ring a bell or two.
Ahmedabad
I cannot see this stadium without being mentally transported to the most cursed Test match of 2021. Sometimes I close my eyes and see Axar flying saucer his way through the England team with the pink ball.
Bangalore
Probably the best candidate for this year’s clip of Liam Livingstone hitting the ball out of the ground (he will finish on 14 (13)).
Chennai
They will call it ‘the most knowledgeable crowd in cricket’ and you will have to accept that without thinking too hard about what on earth it means.
Delhi
Always reminds me of the IPL in 2021 where it felt like half the games were played here.
Dharamsala
The backdrop of the Himalayas is utterly gorgeous, even if you lose by ten wickets you can appreciate the natural beauty of planet Earth.
Hyderabad
Every single time they show or talk about Hyderabad biryani (which is loads) I will become hungry and surely I’m not the only one.
Kolkata
The Sky Sports commentary team spent the entire last month repeating the line ‘Eden Gardens is one of the fastest grounds in world cricket’ so I’ll let them do the talking for me.
Lucknow
Was an absolute minefield in an international game so they redid the pitch. Then it was an absolute minefield in the IPL, so they have once again redone the pitch. I will not cast any aspersions, but I look forward to how they redo the pitch in the New Year.
Mumbai
In my research I found out that it has a system of exhaust fans designed to suck hot air from the stands. It’s a shame they don’t have the same for the commentary box, but thankfully KP won’t be present this time round.
Pune
Who remembers Rising Pune Supergiant!?
The Mighty Competitors
England
If This Was a Movie: Classic sports movie about the reigning champion needing to beat the ‘washed’ allegations (Cars 3). All a bit older and sadder than 2019 but still our beautiful boys.
Content Creator: Some might highlight Jos Buttler in a preview for his prodigious batting ability. I instead want to draw attention to the great online content he will create. When Jos keeps, he holds a sadness in his eyes that is usually reserved for the silver screen. Expect plenty of screenshots of Buttler feeling the pain as the third wide of the over gets bowled.
Fit Check: From the lofty heights of 2019, England’s kit cannot compete anymore. Not sold on the pattern, but more pressingly the highly unsettling faux-collar it has.
India
If This Was a Movie: Slightly less classic movie about the hometown heroes. Got the whole country behind them, plenty of pressure comes with that (the Italian car in Cars 2 you might say).
Content Creator: The natural foil to England’s Jos Buttler, it is none other than Ravichandran Ashwin. At some point there will be an incident in a game that can only be described as half-controversial, and Ashwin will be there. Knows the laws of the game as well as any player and is not afraid to cause a stir by sticking to them.
Fit Check: They have swayed me just by partnering with Adidas. One step closer to my dream collab of Arsenal and the Indian Cricket Team.
Australia
If This Was a Movie: In a sports movie Australia are the villain who always wins. To go back to my Cars analogy, they are Chick Hicks (moustaches and nefarious).
Content Creator: There are some big characters in the team but none will give you content as unique as when Steve Smith gets put in front of a camera. Somehow last week he ended up sat on a chair during a drinks break, this is just the tip of the iceberg.
Fit Check: It’s classic in terms of colours, big fan of the First Nations art on the side of the kit. Strong effort.
New Zealand
If This Was a Movie: Any film where the main character does not win. They will fall short and we will be told to feel sad about it.
Content Creator: Lockie Ferguson has given us filthy facial hair, he has given us many haircuts, and most recently he has given us school shoes. I cannot wait to see what he does next.
Fit Check: It goes very hard. Lines on the bottom half are classy and the grey accents work well. England already one down in the first game.
South Africa
If This Was a Movie: When the highly talented group go to the battle of the bands and forget how to play their instruments. Lots of promise, bizarre history of underperformance.
Content Creator: Highly enjoyed Temba Bavuma having to defend himself against accusations of falling asleep during the Captains’ press conference. Always fun in interviews when he looks smol.
Fit Check: Deceptively there is a lot going on here. Plenty of small pattern graphics and flecks of colour. Enjoyed more than I expected.
Pakistan
If This Was a Movie: Any movie where the characters are cursed. The last two T20 World Cups have honestly convinced me a very powerful entity is haunting this team.
Content Creators: Team spirit is key here so we’re going plural. Shaheen, Haris Rauf, and Shadab were insanely good vibes during The Hundred. I look forward to seeing how they keep it going over the tournament.
Fit Check: They don’t miss!!! The star graphic goes down very well with me, the more shades of green the better.
Sri Lanka
If This Was a Movie: The talented ones who beat the protagonists in the second act to remind them that they still need to improve. Sri Lanka are always capable of bringing teams down to Earth.
Content Creators: The reality here is that I was entirely planning on writing about the little dance Hasaranga does when he takes a wicket, injury has absolutely had me. Perhaps it will be a Pakistan 2019 situation where a member of the crowd steals the show.
Fit Check: Blue dominant this year, less yellow than in recent editions. Seeing the Moose logo on the sleeve takes me back to Joe Root offering the only joy in my life over lockdown.
Bangladesh
If This Was a Movie: The big shock, all the drama comes when they nab a win off of one of the big dogs. At the very least strong performances from a couple of individuals.
Content Creator: It hurts me not to give it to the artist we call The Fizz, but it has to be Shakib. Just this week he absolutely hammered Tamim Iqbal for failing to prove his fitness in a speech where he even managed to fit in some fabled MS Dhoni wisdom. He followed this by picking up an injury himself. Box office.
Fit Check: In all honesty it doesn’t bowl me over. It does a job and it looks like a standard Bangladesh kit, hopefully they go for something a bit wackier in the near future.
Afghanistan
If This Was a Movie: They are fighting for a single win after picking up 9 losses in 2019, they are the character looking to prove themselves on the big stage.
Content Creator: I have been contacted by a representative of the Mumbai Indians franchise and informed that I legally must pick Rashid Khan in spite of my urge to talk about GurbazBall.
Fit Check: They went nuts with this one. It overstimulates me and that is exactly what I need. Technicolour.
Netherlands
If This Was a Movie: They are so aggressively the underdogs that even the most underdoggy of underdog films cannot capture it. Their qualifying campaign was incredible entertainment.
Content Creator: Every time I see Roelof van der Merwe in a Netherlands shirt I jump, at this point I only register him as playing in obscure T20 leagues. Expect anything he does to be met with people on Twitter talking about some random thing he did for Somerset.
Fit Check: They win. It is remarkable. They had me at reversible bucket hats.
Fin
Thank you for going on this journey with me. Repeat any bit of this and you can easily convince your peers that you’re properly dialled into the cricket hivemind. Enjoy the World Cup.